This was written at 4:35pm EST on Wednesday Nov. 11th 2009, the day after my 42nd birthday.
I am just leaving Puerto Rico. As I sit here on this plane, heading home by way of Atlanta, I am still reflecting and thinking about all that has transpired over the last 3 – 4 months. Starting with the stress breakdown at work, to the diagnosis of breast cancer and coping.
I struggle to find the inner strength to endure it all and survive all that has been thrown my way. But they say God never gives us more than we can bare…well the jury is still out on that one, as I often times feel that I have been given more than I can handle in such a short time…it has all been just thrown upon me, and I am left dealing with it alone.
You may ask how one such as myself (relatively still young, attractive, kids grown and out of the house, good paying job, my own home, etc…)can say that I am alone, but the trhough of the matter is that no matter how much you accummulate over the years and no matter how successful you were in landing a “great paying” job…you can still be alone and or feel alone for many reasons.
Yes I have a “great paying” job, but no co-workers to call my friends, yes I have my own house built from the ground up, but noone to lives there but me. Yes my girls are pretty much of age and out of my home that I raised them in, but not quite able to stand on their own completely just yet. Yes I am fairly attractive, and somewhat still young but I am alone with noone to share my life with on a personal romantic level. No one to be there for me, when I come home, or need a shoulder to cry on, or a lap to rest my head on. No one to massage my feet when they ache from dancing, or my back when it starts to tire and ache.
So when you look at it this way…YES I am alone. I hide it well, I cope with it the best way I can, but it’s killing me inside.
I feel I have to keep a mask on 24/7, a front against the world, so that noone knows my real pain and unhappiness.
I have been unhappy for many years, overall, with short bouts of fun here and there. I can’t remember when I was last truly happy and in a loving, healthy, thriving relationship. I can count so many things wrong with the last relationship I was in, and yet I held on for 6 1/2 years. I can name all the reasons why I should have gotten out, but yet I stayed. Hoping, praying, wishing, longing for things to turn around, and be “right”…when the truth is, what was wrong was that I allowed myself to remain in an unhealthy situation. In my mind I created excuses for me to stay. I allowed myself to get caught up in the false sence of “right” that I felt so many times over and over.
I think I became emotionally dependant upon that relationship to make me whole and define my existance when I felt so alone all the time. I am normally a strong person, but put in the “right”situation at the “wrong” time….and suddenly you find yourself
feeling helpless, even weakened. Thus you do things you normally would not do, and deal with things you normally would not deal with.
I searched for ways to find “me”…and I came up with dancing, it allowed me to get lost in not a person but in something I truly enjoyed and found peace in, even if for a short time. And then there’s my radio talk show, which I started because it allowed me the voice I needed to express myself, and give something back to the community. I do these things because I want to matter on this earth, and I want to leave behind a positive legacy for my daughters and grandchildren to be proud of, and also to set an example for them to all follow.
I continue looking for ways to fill my time, and for things and ways to find joy, that doesn’t require a mate. I actually took my first trip in 5 1/2 years alone. I didn’t think I would, or could, but I did. I forced myself to just go. I needed the time away from everyday life, and I had to find me, Tracie again. Each day I am closer to finding my inner strength that somehow got lost along the way. I know that I don’t “need” anyone, but I “want” someone to share my life with. I know that I can do anything I set my mind to, and even if it seems hard, not worth it, or too big a dream, if I keep at it, I know I could succeed.
This blog is just one more journey and one more avenue of giving back, and finding “me”. I hope that all who read it, can identify with it, and relate to it in some way. I hope it helps you to find your inner strength if it somehow got lost along the way. Stay tuned, and be sure to check back often for more keeping it real and hanging with Tracie.