Ok….it’s Tuesday, 2 days before this damn surgery…and now my nerves want to kick in…go figure!!!
All this time (lol…and it’s only been just about 2 months not quite) I have not really felt anything emotionally, I have just been “blank” about it all…I heard my diagnosis,I went blank, I read up on it,went blank again, I was told my options and I just went blank some more. Now it’s crunch time and down to the wire and suddenly my stomach is all in knots, and I feel my heart racing for no apparent reason during the day…I’m not sleeping at all…and I keep thinking that after it’s all over, I am going to just curl up and disassociate myself from everything.
My radio talk show was my release for alot of things I had been going thru PRIOR to finding out I had breast cancer, and now I won’t be able to host my shows for a short interim period…
I dance(chicago style steppin) and also assist teaching it, and I won’t be able to do that for awhile either…nor will I be able to go up to Chicago for the monthly stepper sets….
I am however still determined to keep my trip that was already planned for Los Angeles during MLK weekend in Jan, 2010..which is a 3 day stepper event..I love shopping in L.A. , I love Rodeo Drive and the Fashion District, and I love eating on Santa Monica Blvd at Dan Tanna’s Italian restaurant…NOTHING will stop me from making that trip…unless I die…Lord willing I will get on the plane in Jan. because I will no doubt need the distraction from my personal health issues.
There are so many things I need to do and take care of before Thursday, yet I cannot seem to motivate myself to do them…somehow before the night is over I plan to have tackled at least 3 of the things I need to get done.
Starting with the Spa Massage scheduled at 4pm today…hopefully that will have me feeling more energized and feeling like getting things done…after Thursday, it’s curtains, lights out for any of the task being completed for who knows how long…..
Just know….that right now, I admit it…I am scared…