my personal blog for the day…trying to get thru another day

I am sitting here at home on my sofa, restless, yet tired, sad. I have gone thru a relationship turmoil for 6 1/2 years. It’s rare that I even open up and talk about it let alone share it with the world, but right now I just need to vent and blogging is the only way to do that. Whether it’s read by anyone at all, doesn’t really matter, because sometimes in order to get something off your chest you either have to verbally speak it or write it down, thus I choose the latter.

I have loved someone so much and so intensely that it has driven me freakin’ nuts!! I have gone thru the ups and downs, the good the bad, the happy the sad of this relationship, and yet I still hurt. I have my good days, my good moments but they are no longer outweighing the bad moments and sad times. I feel the end has come, in fact I really know it has, but the emotional part of me, subconsciously wants to keep holding on to a small speck of hope, like the snowflakes falling on this blog site..

I keep thinking and wondering why?? WHY would I want to hold on? WHY would I want to be with someone like this? WHY can’t I move on and find someone better for me? I guess the truth is I love this person. I loved them with every part of me for the last 6 1/2 years, 2,372 days, and the last 56,928 hrs of my life. WOW!! I broke it down to the # of hours !! guess I really have it bad.

I am a self sufficient, independant, fun loving, intelligent, witty, adventurous, attractive person. Most people who see me think I look like Tisha Campbell. (I have heard this all my life..) Most people think I can have anyone I want, (I haven’t figured out why yet, but they do), Most people tell me they can’t believe I am SINGLE (DID YOU HEAR THAT? DID YOU HEAR ME SAY IT? SINGLE, S-I-N-G-L-E!!! FUCKING SINGLE!!!)

I am not one of those women who can’t be by herself, in fact I have been by myself in the past, and for most of my life, which is why I KNOW I HATE BEING SINGLE!!! I love having someone to share my life with, to take trips with, to laugh and cry with. I love knowing someone else loves me back. I love being able to cuddle up on the sofa late nights watching a really good movie, drinking a glass of wine or one of my specialty martinis…In fact I love cooking something really special for that special someone, and serving them their food. I love getting dressed up sexy, or casual and going out on the town with someone.

These are normal things that any woman would like, enjoy or love to do and share with someone. Most people who see me, or know me, assume that ALL is well in my camp, that I have no issues and no problems with relationships. Truth is I keep it all inside, I never let someone else know what I am going thru or how I really feel unless they are that special someone in my life…WHY?? because there is nothing anyone else can say or do that will matter or make the most difference other than that special someone. When I love I love hard!!

I find myself fighting back the tears, and sometimes they fall anyway(damn stupid tear ducts…don’t want to listen to me I see) and when this happens there is noone to wipe them away, nor tell me it will be ok.

I tell myself it will be ok, I wipe away my own tears, then I curl up on the sofa or on my bed…and cry myself to sleep. I am dealing with so many things, and I try to put on this brave mask, so that the world only sees the good, the positive in me..but it’s not enough to make the hurt and pain go away.

For every snowflake you see falling on this blog page, just know and imagine each flake represents the pain and hurt I am feeling and going thru. This wonderful person, full of love, is hurting beyond belief.. I pray that God takes the hurt away, but he has not answered  my prayer yet, or he chooses to let me continue to hurt. Either way I am hurting. I am sad. I am single. I am a breast cancer survivor and I am alone.


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