Good evening world…today is Friday Dec. 18 2009, and we are 7 days away from Christmas..I am so not ready for this holiday..I have to do what little shopping I am going to do before the holiday, this weekend..and then the rest will have to wait until after the holiday..(we are in a freakin’ recession!!!)
I have been in the house all day today, mainly upstairs in my room.. resting, and stretching my arm (because Lord knows I do not want to have physical therapist try to help me stretch my arm muscles)..I am making some slight progress…I just keep pushing past the pain. I have so many things to think about, that it was actually good to not have to go anywhere nor think about anything specific today.
I go back to work Monday Dec. 28th on a gradual return to work schedule(working 4 hrs a day for 2 weeks and adding 2 hrs the week after until I am back up to 8 hrs) I hope I am mentally ready for the return to work, taking the calls, getting back into all my systems and reading thru 3 months worth of email.oh joy!! 😦
I have some thinking to do after the holidays, regarding chemotherapy..I decided to wait until after the rest of the surgery is finished, but reading the information on chemotherapy, I am a little leary of going thru it for a year. This entire experience(can I even call it that?) has been such a whirlwind, tiring, frustrating, and scary. I am still trying to find my emotions and let my feelings come out, but it seems a little difficult.
I have also been thinking about my life, my journey and how I got to this point.(going thru cancer crisis will definitely make you think about life, your life)..I often wonder if I ever opened up and told my whole story, what would the world think about me? I’m not saying I have some gruesome, hideous past..but I do have a past and a present…both of which would be shocking for some. I think I have done fairly well considering where I came from, how I was raised, and the choices I made in my life, especially compared to some other people in the world. I am neither proud of nor ashamed of my life, my past, my present as I feel every experience has been part of the learning process, and part of the journey on the path God has laid out for me.
I know some of my choices could have been different, and maybe God put decisions in my path in order to see if I would choose the right path or the wrong path, but the funny thing is He already knew what path I would choose before I ever chose it..lol so…go figure that one out. I am smart enough to know life is about test, and faith, and will power..We are given test to see if we have the will power to make the right choice and the faith to know that if we choose the right choice He will see us thru it, and bless us for it. Often times I think we don’t choose the right path, because at that moment, the wrong path seems more interesting, more appealing, or we are not trusting enough to know that the right path may and could be just as interesting once we choose it. For all of my wrong choices, I have found I am stronger and wiser for them. For all of my right choices I have learned my will power and inner strength outweigh my own uncertainties..
I know I am a free spirit, adventurous, and observative. I am cautious yet I through caution to the wind. I love travelling, and meeting new people, yet I am hesitant to just befriend anyone.I guess I sound very contradictary, but at the same time I think life can be like that from time to time. I can honestly say I have done it all, yet there are still things I have not yet done. I have seen alot but yet not seen it all. I have learned to never judge anyone, and not to try to change anyone, for people can only be who they are, and that is the person God has prepared them to be. I learned to find within myself what my comfort and tolerance level is and with that I was able to accept people and their flaws, and if it was outside of my comfort level, then I was able to move myself away from that which I was not comfortable with.
I found the ability to open up and get to know people, and teach people, and befriend people, things I never thought possible. The fact I am able to sit here and write about anything, is saying alot!! It says I survived all my bad choices, even those that looked blique, and believe you me there were many times things looked pretty blique. But I survived. I pulled thru.
Only now, it seems I survived and pulled thru all of “that” only to now go thru “this”…Is this what God planned for me? have I handled it correctly and made the right choices? “This” has definitely caused me to reflect on self, ask God for forgiveness where needed, and to vow to be a better, stronger person. I still have hopes of things turning around for me, and if they don’t then I pray I use that inner strength to do what is right, and make the right choices.
If it sounds as though I am talking in riddles I apologize as I don’t mean to, but I am trying to make sense out of my life “today”. I can only focus on one day at at time, as it comes. Nothing in life is promised except the promise that we will die. So I must try to live to the fullest, enjoy each day best I can, and make the most of the time I have on earth. My life has definitely been dealt a series of red flags and bad omens….and I am still here, still going….so I have resolved to not let anything get me to the point that I cannot write, or blog about my feelings. When I can’t speak to anyone about my feelings, I rely on blogging, and am thankful to be able to do so.
I hope that my story one day reaches everyone’s ears, eyes,etc…and I hope that the things I am trying to share are understood and that someone can learn something from what I do blog about. I hope to be able to one day open up fully and share in detaill the journey I have travelled to get to this point. The reasons why certain things happened or didn’t happen, why I stayed, why I did what I did, what are my plans going forward, will one day be explained and discovered right here on my blog site.. so all I can say is stay tuned, and subscribe to my blog and you will learn all you ever wanted to know about “Tracie” or whoever I am….