As I think back to when I was younger, and how everyone would treat me differently…I never understood why and to this day I still don’t. I can recall times we would go visit family and my cousins would laugh at me, talk about me, and sometimes even pick fights with me. Looking back I had so many problems back then; I was a very sheltered being, my mom would always say “no, …because I said so”, or “no you can’t go out and play with the other kids…they are bad influences..” So many days and nights and even years I spent alone, forced to sit on the porch and just watch the other children playing in the neighborhood…secretly wishing I could be among them. My cousins would always ask me “why do you do that?..” “what’s wrong with you?”, “you’re weird”….the “that” they were referring to were little quirks or “nervous tics” as the doctor called them..I had no idea “why” I did any of it…I just knew I did them…maybe it was the anxiety I had built up from never being allowed to do anything, all I knew was that I did them, and it was years on top of years it continued.
Grade School, High School, it always seemed that I was the target of ridicule, and the object of every bully. True, I was quiet and shy and stayed to myself with the exception of 1 or 2 friends..but I think my quietness was a result of how mom raised me. I was never allowed to socialize with anyone.
Grade school was the pits!!! all the kids knew that if I got in a fight all they had to do was tell my mom and I was getting in trouble once I got home..needless to say I got in quite a few scuffles..by the time High school came around, I was sent to school in the 80’s wearing an afro..can you imagine how the other kids teased me??even some of the teachers teased me..God!! I was so miserable..
I ultimately decided to just fade into the dust….by this I mean I decided to drop out of high school during my junior year..at first I began to just skip a few days here and there, but then it became so easy and habit that I dropped out all together…..During this time yes like most teenagers, I dabbled in drugs..I smoked weed, cigarettes and started drinking. I thought that was better than being teased…
At age 15 I remember my mom calling home from work and telling me I was going to get it when she got home. I hadn’t done anything to get in trouble and I dreaded the discipline, as extension cords were her favorite choice. I hated the punishments, and I hated her. So what did I do? I ran!!!..I ran and I ran and never looked back, because I did not want to be home when she got there. I was only away from home for about a couple of weeks, before I was tricked into coming back home. I had an uncle who lived next door who knew how strict my mother was and I think secretely relished in the fact I was so sheltered. Little did I know he was a pediphile. Secretely watching every move I made. My uncle made several advances on me, which I told my brother and mother, and ended up we moved away. My mom never confronted my uncle, she just moved us away.
When I turned 16, I remember getting into an argument with Donald(name changed to protect those members), my brother, and ended up running away from home again..This time I was gone for a few months, during which time I stayed out late, drinking, smoking weed, and looking for love. I think I was doing what alot of teens did back then, so it seemed normal to me, but there came a time when I was so tired of being out in the streets, drinking, hanging out all night, feeling obligated to those who let me crash at their house, that I finally went back home for a little while.
At age 17 I found myself dating a boy from grade school. He was one of the cutest boys in school back then and he liked me!!! Now that meant everything to me during that time. I was so into this guy I would have done just about anything for him and in order to be with him..and I was so caught up in the attention I received that I felt I finally belonged, like I was loved, and I ate it up, for all it was worth. I would sneak out the house late nights just to hang out with him and be with him, I would even sneak him into my bedroom thru the window…oh wow!! I was so crazy in love, and carefree. I grew up the ugly duckling but turned into a beautiful swann…men found me sexy, attractive and fun. Now this guy from grade school was smooth and he knew it..All the girls wanted to be his girlfriend, and here I was finally getting my turn. He could and did tell me things I believed wholeheartedly. He wanted me to move with him to California, which I without hesitation said yes….he promised me, we would get jobs, and start our life together….hmmmm..I still remember the song he dedicated to me, and everytime I hear it, even today, it makes me think of him and how silly I was back then..Bernard Wright-“Who do you love” The words of the song seemed to fit my time with him to the letter. Little did I know this smooth operator had other plans he never told me about..like going to Los Angeles and pimping , being a control freak, things became so clear AFTER I went with him to Los Angeles. yes I went…of course I did, I was so in love with him. But as I said previously I would have done just about anything for him and to be with him…anything that is except watch him be with other girls in front of me, anything except strip in strip clubs for him, anything but sell my body for him…and that made him soooo angry…He would tell me things like, “just do it for a little while, just until we get to where we are going, and then you won’t have to do it anymore.” ” Just do it for me”, he would say, “just go along with it, trust me, you love me don’t you”. I vividly remember my favorite phrase back then…”MY MOM DIDN’T RAISE ME LIKE THAT”, “I DON’T HAVE TO BE HERE, I CAN GO HOME”. I saw a side of him that I didn’t like, he could be so mean and heartless…he put me out of the hotel room for not doing what he wanted me to do….I found myself at one point in the wrong place at the wrong time and ended up in juvenile for a week(until I turned 18) Once I got out, I still refused to go home, I wanted to be with this guy so badly…..so I stayed out in Los Angeles for a while longer….until I became sick that is…..