As long as I …..

Hmm…let’s see…as long as I have God on my side I will be alright and as long as I have Jesus in my heart I will not be alone….I tell myself this time and time again, because often times it may feel like I am alone, even when I know those 2 things are true…still the carnal self feels the emptiness of coming home each day to an empty apartment, the carnal self feels the loneliness of going to bed each night alone with noone next to me to snuggle up to.

Reality of it all, is yes I am alone in this state, in my apartment and in my personal life. And sure I long to have someone to share those happy times, good days, bad days, those “did you know…?” moments, those “..but what if…?” ideas that run through my mind all the time.. I look around to make sure noone is watching or within ear shot when I answer myself in real time conversation, because truth of the matter is, it’s nice to hear a voice every now and then, even if it is my own.

You may think I am crazy or losing my mind, but no…I am as sane as the next man, maybe even more so I am in tune with me, and I have come to accept me for who I am, and I am learning to understand that I am alone in my own personal space for a reason. That it’s okay if my circle of friends grows smaller and smaller as I get older, because most friends are there for a season anyway, to make their mark and leave behind the lesson meant for you to learn. I am okay with that most of the time, but still…..but still there are those moments…..those “hey!! did you see…!!?”, “hey babe..guess what?”, those “huuhhh all I want to do is stay in bed and cuddle up babe, what about you?” moments…..

I sigh as I write this because it’s reality that motivates this blog, it’s loneliness from within my heart of not having anyone to love or love me back on a personal relationship level….it’s the pain I feel everytime I go home to my empty apartment, and it’s the struggle I notice when I try to think of something to do in my spare time other than gambling at the local casino…But hey!!? did you know you can have alot of fun at the casino alone?!!!   lol   I go with just Jesus and myself and we have great times most of the time, and then there are those times, when he tells me, ” you should have taken what I gave you and went home”…lol but you know….my loneliness keeps me there for hours at a time, dreading going back to that empty place called home.

But the other night, it finally hit me like a lightening bolt, that I am and will be okay just the way I am. That I don’t need to change one thing about me, because Jesus loves ME just as I am, and he only wants for me to love ME too….So no it’s not conceit, or arrogance or anything of the sort, you hear when I say “I love me some me!!” it’s the realization and acceptance of knowing that AS LONG AS I HAVE GOD ON MY SIDE, JESUS IN MY HEART, AND LOVE OF SELF WITHIN ME…I WILL BE OKAY.



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