Whatever happened to Real Romance, Chivalry and True Love

I am just sitting here lost in my thoughts so to speak. I often reflect over the past, present and future and the life experiences one encounters during their lifetime. So as you follow this thought with me, think about your own life experiences and your own past, present and future. Have you accomplished all your goals? Are you spending your life regretting or learning? Are you truly happy? Are you sharing your time with a special someone or spending it alone?

I love reading, and thinking. So I often times read anything from fiction to non fiction novels, documentaries and biographies. I can get completely caught up in a really good story. But what I always find myself doing is reflecting on my own life and where I am. I consider myself a happy person, because I have learned to except me for who I am. I am at total peace with me. I am a positive person who trys to live life to the fullest but within my own set boundaries, morals and standards. Some people say it’s not good to have boundaries, but I beg to differ, because without them, we would all be a total mess!!!

The key is to set acceptable boundaries you can honestly live with and live up to. I believe in having balance in my life, so I balance my career/work with my personal life. I work hard and play hard. That’s my balance. I set high goals for myself and never lose sight of those goals, no matter what road I take to get there, believe me, my focus is always clear. I believe God has a plan and path for each of us, and our job is to let God lead us down the path he has planned. Sometimes we may get a little side tracked and step off that path on occasion, but as long as we never lose our real focus, we will find our way back to that path. God is patient.

My one true hearts desire is to meet the man of my dreams, and for us to share our own happiness with the other. Now one may ask, what does the man of my dreams look like? That’s easy. He is tall, handsome, and confident. He has a great sense of humor, and knows how to laugh, and stop and smell the roses from time to time. He has a smile that could win over millions. His voice is smooth, alluring and poised.  His life is full of interesting events, and he has goals he has reached and new ones to begin.
He is financially secure, and has no deep dark skeletons that will come back to hurt our newly begun relationship. He is honest and sincere, and a true gentleman. And most of all he is ready and willing to love. He knows that to truly win over a good woman requires a little effort on his part, because nothing worth having is easy, and he enjoys the challenge.

I speak of the same qualities I have in myself when it comes to being a woman of his dreams.. I know how to love completely and fully. I am honest and sincere. I am a lady at all times, and I have a smile that can win over millions.
I am confident and poised and articulate in my words. I stop and smell the roses all the time, and I love life. I am a bit of a mystery to some, in that I am not your typical woman. I believe a lady should act as such at all times. I laugh, I enjoy fun things, and I travel and I am even laid back, but the way I carry myself is what sets me apart from the next woman. You see I know my self worth, and I know what I can bring to the table in a relationship, and I exude confidence in my ability to bring happiness to another being.

It takes a strong secure man to recognize and not be intimated by my presence. Where is he? I am waiting. I am a romantic at heart, I love surprises, and spontaneity. I love to spoil and I love being spoiled. I never ask for more than I am willing to give in return. 

If you are a single man reading this and can relate to this, maybe we should start a dialogue and see where it can lead us.

I am here…….where are you?

The BEST Kiss Ever!!!

…”i’m from the east coast and I’m falling, so hard a nigga’ got me crip walking..I’m from the suburbs but it was that good, make a good girl wanna’ get to the hood!! ..”  I just had to post that excerpt from a Snoop Dog song….lol because that is exactly how I was feeling last Saturday night August 31, 2013.

Let me start by saying, this is not something I would normally blog about, nor ever post on the internet, but since I am writing and sharing aspects of my life, this one HAD to be included.

Downtown St. Paul was the location, Barrio’s was the name of the bar and Gary is his name. I met Gary a little over a year ago in 2012 and he was one of the first guys I had met after moving to Minnesota in 2011. Let me just say this for the record..Gary  is FINE!!!!…

I mean he is one of those tall, dark and handsome, bald head, perfectly trimmed goatee, deep voice, solid build brothers. The kind you could sit and stare at for hours!

Anyway,  when our lips touched so gently, so softly, so tenderly I felt a million bolts of electricity run thru my body..We kissed over and over, and each time was more passionate than the first. I could have kissed this man all night long. All sorts of thoughts were running thru my mind as this man kissed me over and over. I kissed every part of his face, his eyes, nose, forehead, cheeks, chin, neck…we kept it very PDA appropriate, but I was on fire for this man!!!

Since I have been celibate for 5 years, I was not about to break that record, but he definitely was making me think…When I got home I could not sleep, I was so worked up….I thought this must be what they mean when they say “walking on cloud 9” because believe you me, I was floating….lol and I mean all JUST FROM A KISS!!! but again this was no ordinary kiss…not only was this the BEST KISS EVER!!!! this was also my first kiss in over 5 years…and it felt GREAT!!!!

This is Gary!!!

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In My Darkest Hour

In my darkest hours I sit alone.
My mind begins to expand the realms of it’s full thinking capacity and I.. begin to rise up from those dark hours, a queen! in my full birthright I shine.
In my darkest hours I rise up not alone, but with you by my side shining in all your birthright glory. My King.
At that very moment my darkest hours are no more. The light iminates all around, lighting the way, the path to take. Together, we walk hand in hand. Strong.
As we walk, yet our feet don’t touch the ground, because we, are walking, spiritually. Two infinite minds, knowledge abound, never ending circle, for you are me and I am you, together we complete that spiritual oneness, untouchable infinite levels of love.
For “He”, has brought us together, to this point in time, where we must realize our strengths, where we must exercise our carnal restraint, and focus on that higher plane-infinite wisdom, love, acceptance that…you are me and I am you together we complete that spiritual oneness untouchable you, untouchable me, sharing a love that in the carnal can never be, yet so intense….that, I feel your pain, as if you were touching my hand, my cheek. So intense I hear your voice when you speak as it transends over miles , thru time and it makes me weak. My King. But we, must stand strong together, for in the carnal it can never be.
But yet…I am you and you are me, our infinite love makes us lovers for eternity

Being cheated on hurts..

Just Some Things

Soft to hard, gentle to strong then wet….there are just some things you can’t forget. Man to woman, woman to man…soft as a pillow, rough as sand… SEX…when it’s good, it’s good, when it’s great, it’s great…there are some things you can’t negotiate.

Her soft lips all over his body, kissing, touching…his firm hands all over her body..rubbing, caressing..there are just some things…you can’t forget.

Pounding, throbbing, a racing rush, her soft hands all over his body, his wet lips all over her body. stroking, licking. Tasting too…there are just some things you can’t forget.

Like mounting, climbing, thrust-ing…ex..plo..ding!! ummm…there are just some things you can’t forget….

Remember when you said that you loved me, and I loved you?..but then you turned around and told her that too??!!!

Real deep talks and staying up late, and all the love that we USED to make??? there are just some things you can’t forget.

Quivering, trembling, holding me tight!!! but that was before that %#&@$!ed up night!!!..You hurt me, you left me, you walked out that door…..and now those great things…we don’t do them anymore.

I sit and I try to think and I cry. I try…to think and I cry…I try to think,…and I cry…there are just some things you can’t forget.

Like, back rubs, cozy walks, your dick in my hand as we made pillow talk!!! Remember the way it felt as I…touched you!!!?? and all the sexy things we loved to do???!! There are just some things you can’t forget.

You said, I made you feel like no other, …but you turned around and slept with another…wo- man!!!and now those things we used to do…..we DON’T do them anymore….there are just some things you can’t forget.

One Woman’s Love

I loved you from the moment you walked into my life..I was always yours and you were always mine. I loved your inner spirit and drive, for you lifted me up and helped me to shine. I was always yours and you were always mine. I thanked God for bringing you into my space, my heart beat the same as yours, for you were my saving grace. I loved you both in and out of time, I was always yours and you were always mine. It didn’t matter if I were perfect or not, for we looked beyond and into one anothers’ thoughts. I loved you mentally, spiritually, physically, completely for I was always yours and you were always mine, we loved one another both in and out of time.

You touched my hand, my heart and soul. I spoke to you with words untold, I was always yours and you were always mine, we loved one another in and out of time. I felt your pain, your joy, your sorrow, always telling you there’d be tomorrow. Tomorrow came and went, and our love endured, together we were meant to be. For I was you and you were me, we loved one another for eternity. I was always yours and you were always mine, loving you in and out of time. You stood by me when times were tough, thru sickness and in health that was my greatest wealth. To have you near me, to love you dearly, I never knew a love so true. A love so pure, and so unique for I was always yours and you were always mine, our love withstood the tests of time. Loving you and giving my all, Thank you Lord, for blessing me with you, for I know now that I was always yours and you were always mine to have and love both in and out of time.  I cry no more, but smile each day, for I know you will find your way. Trust in Him, and he will lead you to me and me to you for I was always yours and you were always mine to have, to love, to keep. For I was always yours and you were always mine both in and out of time.

Lesbian affairs

I am the first to admit I’m no saint. I’ve never pretended to be either, but if you ask friends about me they would probably say that I’m a bit of a mystery.
I had my first experience with a woman back in 1993 or 1994. It was with my then boyfriends baby mama. No it wasn’t any freaky threesome shit either.
I’ve always had a curious nature but I’ve also always had an attraction to women. So to me it didn’t seem strange nor like a fad. . it was just another part of my life. It kills me how so many self righteous people try to act like they are appalled by it, but truth be told, alot of women have had lesbian experiences during the course of their lives. No I am not saying that makes it right because the bible says it’s wrong.

What I am saying is that for me, I am not really sure why I have the attraction to women, but I can tell that it’s not necessarily a sexual one. I think it’s more of a chance to have women friends, to bond with other women and do girly things..something I was never really allowed to do or growing up (stay tuned for “This is My Life”)..anyway, I remember as if it were yesterday. I was dating someone who had kids by other girls, and he and I had a very rocky up and down relationship-he was very controlling and insecure (look out for my “Lessons Learned” coming soon). Anyway he had a baby mama that he told me about her being gay.  I never fully believed it but it did sit in the back of my mind. After about 4 years of dating, and during one of our “broke up” periods, I was out at a club and saw her there. I walked up to her and confronted her about it. I think I caught her off guard by being so blunt about it, but hell I wanted to know if he was telling me the truth.lol. So when asked if she were gay? she said she was happy. now that didn’t quite answer my question so I let it go for the time being. fast forward to another time I saw her out, and I had been drinking a little bit, so I approached her again, and asked again if she were gay, and then kissed her and walked away. I think then she realized I wasn’t just asking just to be asking or so she thought. We exchanged numbers before the night was over and she began calling me daily. We would talk on the phone and she always wanted to know when I was coming over. (I smile as I think back to this ) I went over her house eventually because I was still trying to find out if it was true or not, but also because I wanted to satisfy my own curiosity. To make a long story short it was an experience, but not necessarily what I had envisioned or expected.

Then about a year later I met my first “girlfriend”. I met her online, thought she was simply gorgeous. I went to meet her in person and was blown away by her beauty. We both seemed to like one another and so our relationship began. It wasn’t long before she moved in with me, and it was after that move that I learned she was related to my ex-husband. That didn’t stop us from being together, but I did learn alot about her that she “forgot” to disclose in the beginning. She and I quickly fell in love, but again the sex was not what I expected..I was actually let down again  and at that moment I recall  thinking to myself that I would never let another women touch me, that I would be a better lover to women in the future than what I had experienced thus far. She and I lasted about 2 years and due to her lying and sneaking around we broke up.

I went back to dating men, but always kept my eye out for a female. I met a few different girls online that for one reason or another were not what I was looking for but I did date them. I remember meeting one woman who seemed to be perfect over the phone, when we met we really hit it off. She and I went every where together, only thing with her was she was too sexual..so for me that was a slight turn off, but I tried to make it work anyway. I was also at that time sort of dating a co-worker, that I picked up on a vibe that she was gay..She was older so I had hoped that she could teach me things I didn’t know. But trying to date 2 women at the same time was hard, because as women we all want “our time” with the one we love.  Now lesbian love involves alot of kissing, licking, touching and the use of toys. There is a submissive partner and a dominant partner. They use terms like “fem” and “stud”. As I dated these 2 women, I learned alot about myself and about women in general. Lesbian relationships are alot like heterosexual ones, meaning, there is cheating, fighting, arguing, and jealousy. The one thing I never saw was “control issues”. Those 2 relationships lasted about a year, before I couldn’t do it anymore. It became too overwhelming to maintain.

I have had a few other encounters/dates with females, since then but ultimately I decided I was better off by myself. I still find women attractive and wish at times that I had a girllfriend, but know that I am very picky about who I like and who I date. Right now, I am trying to live my life the way the bible says I should live it………….stay tuned, more could follow

Have you ever wondered about your heritage

Last year, my sister was supposed to get married, and when I had an overnight layover in Dallas, I stayed with her. We were up most of the night talking and catching up on our lives, and it suddenly hit me that we don’t know if we have family on our dad’s side that might cross her path since she lives in Texas.. So I made a vow to search for any family that still resides in Texas or still living period. Now this was a task I started years ago, but kept running into dead ends, so this time I was more determined than ever to locate my uncle, and any aunts still living.

My dad passed away in 1997, and all I had to go on were the names my mom gave me and a city in Texas called Linden. I got online and started trying to google the names of an aunt and uncle and even logged onto ancestry.com.. I searched for a month straight and kept running into disconnected numbers and I was getting frustrated. I was at work one day and on my lunch break, I told myself I was going to find at least one valid phone number. I had a list of dates and names of my uncle being married and divorced, but there was one that showed a marriage and no divorce date, at least I hoped it was my uncle. So I called information and got lucky!!. I found a valid phone number, which I called and told the woman who answered I was looking for a man and gave my uncles name. Low and behold my uncle was there!!!! I wasn’t sure if it was the right person, but I was happy and nervous at the same time. When he got on the phone, I told him who I was, and asked if he had a brother and gave him my dad’s name. He said yes, and then he asked me if I had a brother, and gave my brothers name and my mom’s name!!! I was like WTH!!! It was my uncle and he knew about us!!!.. I began grinning from ear to ear and told him I would call him back when I got off work, and he was happy to hear from me. He gave me alot of information and names of family members still living, and told me about those who had passed away. My uncle is so wonderful, and loving.. I found out I have family in San Francisco, and Detroit, Iowa and Texas.

I began making plans to meet him in person, and to meet the family in San Francisco and Iowa too..Each day we talked I felt closer to him. I imagined that whenever he called me to check on me and see how I was doing, that’s how it would or should have been if my dad were still alive. I think my dad would be proud of me for not giving up, but maybe a little sad that I learned some family secrets…The information I learned left me even more confused about who my dad really was. I have continued to reach out to my family on my dad’s side, and it’s been a little over a year since I found them. I went to Dallas to meet them and it was a surreal moment. I walked the grounds my great grandmother and father walked as a little boy. I actually went inside my great grandmother’s house, and met some cousins who live in that same house in Linden Texas. I walked the cemetary where all of my family are buried too. There is so much I have learned.

I was able to meet a cousin in San Francisco and learn about my grandfather and get a picture of him too… I know all families have secrets and some dysfunction in it, but things I learned were shocking, crazy and confusing. I’m still getting to know my family, and have gone thru small issues with a cousin, but overall I love them all and I am very happy I found them. I seem to have bonded most with my uncle, a 3rd cousin and a 1st cousin.

Now my sister seems somewhat reluctant to reach out and get to know them. She says she’s a little nervous which I can understand but feel she needs to push past that feeling and it will be okay. Especially since she lives literally 10 minutes away from our uncle.

Now my brother, that’s a whole other story. He has held on to resentment of our dad all his life, and now as a grown man he is holding that side of our family accountable for our dad’s actions which is so wrong. .I pray he will realize his wrong and correct it because he is hurting family who have done nothing wrong to him.

Then there is the 1st cousin in Iowa in prison. He is a hand full. Literally. We connected on a lot of levels as we seemed to have shared similar childhoods, or so he says…we both grew up with 1 parent in our lives, and we both had a rebellious side, and we both have experienced a lot in the world. He is lucky at the age of 36 to have no children, while I have only 2. When I went to meet him for the first time,he was behind the glass on a no contact visit. We sat and talked for hours. I remember thinking he was a very nice looking young man, and I remember thinking the genes in our family are good ones..lol. I went to visit him once more during a time he could have normal contact visits, and I was able to hug him for the first time. I hoped that he was happy to have a family member interested in getting to know him and who didn’t mind coming 6 hours to visit him. Fast forward a year….and I now find out that I was very misguided and he misunderstood alot about me and our communication. We both have a talent for writing and thru that I think, he got the wrong idea about me, or either I never took anything serious because we are family…either way, I have decided to keep my distance from him for now, and that is a very sad thing. I know I am doing the right thing for now, and hope he understands that. I pray for his future freedom, as that will make my uncle so happy.

Now my 3rd cousin is so funny.. He looks like Cedric the Entertainer and people say I look like Tisha Campbell (but really I think I look more like Jurnee Smollett Bell-the girl from The Great Debate and Temptations of a Marriage Counselor)..lol now this cousin is always giving me a hard time, about my beliefs or way of thinking…so we seem to always be at it, but really we talk and get along great…I wish I had had the chance of getting to know him and my other cousins and family members growing up. He swear he got swagg….lol. I love him too, and look forward to getting to spend more time with him and his family and my other family too.

I think my dad would be smiling down at me, as I go this journey alone…I miss my dad, and I realize because I loved him, I love them all. My love is so great and abundant, that I love this family I never knew, and I truly want to know them and spend more time with them. I wish I had the chance to grow up with them, but that apparently wasn’t in cards for me.

I am sure anyone who has been in my shoes and searched for and found family have probably gone thru similar reactions, findings and dysfunction…I wonder how you overcame them. .

I am planning to put together a family tree of everyone and hopefully trace our roots back to any slavery records that may exist. . this is a long and frustrating process, which I will record my progress here. so stay tuned…